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[cross_swords]

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ngl i've been dealing with this week with so much Squiefer fanfic

[cross_swords]

[Damn, Squally-boy. That's close. It's got Seifer almost breathless. But he's capable of controlling himself. Usually.]

That's assuming the right ones stay.

[Because Seifer's sure Fuu and Rai won't bail out of Garden immediately with him, and if they do, they'll probably get bored of him and start their own lives after a while. And it's easier to think about that than the provocative position that Squall's put them in. Probably better not to let the guy see how flustered he got over it. He didn't want Squall to push him away even sooner. So he hands over the belt.]

same t b h 🤘😔

[vacantexpression]

[ The common misconception about their rivalry is that people think it's one-sided; that Seifer has simply managed to bully Squall into training with him all of these years. It's always been offensive and it's a narrative that has persisted despite him growing strong enough to prove he isn't the type to be pushed around.

But they do push each other.

Squall is pushing now. On the heels of Seifer believing he's not long for Garden, Squall is crowding and baiting him to rally against that fatalism. When the provocation doesn't escalate, when it fails to be reciprocated, Squall knows he's hit something tender. ]

You have to let them.

[ Squall's not the only one who pushes people away. It's not something he says outright. Instead he lowers his gaze so he can begin looping the belt around his thigh, their proximity buzzing under his skin like live wire. Without looking up, he adds: ]

Leave the coat behind for the exam. They dock points if you're not in uniform.

[cross_swords]

[His eyes are working hard to stay locked to Squall's. To not stare at where the fingers of Squall's smart fingers seemed determined to draw them. because of course Squall isn't trying to draw them. That isn't what they do. No matter how much he wishes it were.]

You think I don't know that by now?

[vacantexpression]

[ There is an inherent cowardice in the act. The leg between Seifer's is bold but only enough to make its presence known, but not enough to disrupt the balance of their rivalry. It can withstand bruises and blows, snide comments and snark, but Squall isn't confident enough to think it could survive this. Even as his heartbeat quickens with the thought of Seifer's fingers replacing his own.

It's not a foreign fantasy. ]

I'm not suggesting it because you don't know it. I'm suggesting it because you never do it and every point counts when they're stacked against you.

[cross_swords]

[Oh the things it could survive that they could not begin to fathom. The things they denied themselves the chance to explore.]

If I can't make it through with the points I get beyond that one, what's the point? Hell, even the actual SeeDs rarely go out in their full uniforms. I move better in it too. I should be able to use something that I have more awareness of myself and range of movement in. Plus the long coat helps distract people when I move in a fight.

[vacantexpression]

[ What's the point? Squall feels the tension return as he braces himself for the inevitable tug of war this will become. When his gaze finally lifts it's to stare hard at Seifer, a quiet fury behind the ice. What's the point? ]

Conduct matters, Seifer. It's not about what the other SeeDs do, it's what you do. You know damn well you don't need showmanship to put someone on their backs.

[ Do it for me, Squall wants to add. Just suck it up and do it for me. He bites it back and he'll always regret it. ]

[cross_swords]

[No one likes him for what he does. Why should he care about that.]

It's not showmanship, dammit. It's psychology. The fluttering movement draws the eye, and the bulk the coat gives me changes perceptions of my size and position. Makes people attack the wrong places or misjudge when a strike should hit, meaning that I'm avoiding the most dangerous point in the arc of a blow. There's a reason for everything.

[Not to mention the personal money he put into getting his damn vest some extra defensive padding to it.]

[vacantexpression]

To Garden, it's showmanship.

[ They're top of their class when it comes to tactical warfare. They know how to swing a fight in their favor before it even begins and how to turn the tide after it's started. But it isn't enough. It clearly hasn't been in Seifer's case.

Squall's head cants towards Seifer as if to further highlight the coat in question. ]

They're not grading us to see who's the most clever. If that were the case, you'd already be doing missions. It's about showing them you can follow orders.

[ Squall already knows he's lost just with that one remark and he scowls in recognition of it. His leg withdraws, belt in place, and he turns his back to go retrieve his gunblade, uttering a grumbled whatever to cede the coming argument. ]

[cross_swords]

That's because Cid and those fucking robed shitheads wouldn't know tactics if it bit them.

[Seifer rolls his eyes over claiming it's not about being clever.]

IT's also about coming back alive. Cadet Evans almost died last year.

[Yeah, arguing for obedience isn't really going to work when they both know the orders can be bullshit. Or at least Seifer does.]

[vacantexpression]

[ Squall isn't so heartless that the mention of Evans doesn't stop him in his tracks. Everyone knows how dangerous the SeeD exam can be and there is something especially sinister about its potential fatality that makes Squall's blood run cold when he thinks of their conversation yesterday. If he passes and Seifer doesn't...is Garden really going to be inclined to let another gunblader walk off its campus? Especially one they can't control?

Squall shakes himself of the thought. It's irrelevant. They're going to pass. Both of them. ]

I'm not asking you to follow blindly. I'm asking you to follow strategically. Wearing the uniform only downplays your lethality, it doesn't strip it away.

[cross_swords]

It doesn't downplay anything.

[He isn't buying that. And with Squall pulled away, well, he feels comfortable finally getting to his feet.]

I'll think about it.

[vacantexpression]

[ He lets Seifer have the last word. If it comes down to it, Squall will knock on the man's door himself the morning of the exam. He doesn't realize yet that it'll result in a duel where all his good intentions are challenged with a blade's edge. For now, he acquiesces and reclaims Revolver.

It's his room but he nods to Seifer to lead the way out of it, following with a furrow in his brows and the knowledge that anyone who catches them leaving together are sure to be drawing their own conclusions. ]

[cross_swords]

[Of course he can knock on the door. But he can't force Seifer into clothes. And, of course, there was that whole fate they would resign themselves to.]

Alright, let's go see if we can't get you topped up, Squally.

[Because that was the goal. TO make sure Squall was survivable going into his exams.]

[vacantexpression]

[ They're both damnably stubborn. It's part of why this rivalry works. But it's also created its fair share of blockades. Squall will deal with whatever obstacles Seifer throws in his way the morning of, and lose, but he doesn't know that yet. For now, the promise of consideration is enough.

The hall is a little more populated when they slip back into it but he does his best to ignore any whispers or glances shot in their direction. ]

How are you spending the days leading up to the exam?

[ It's not small talk. Squall doesn't do small talk, but he does want to know where he can squeeze himself into Seifer's day to day for greater preparation. Spell mining is a start but he knows they could, and should, be doing more. Rest is important, yes, but strategy even more so. ]

[cross_swords]

DC stuff. Cadets get more fussy and start more shit leading up to an exam.

[He already hit all of his prerequisites of course.]

And resting. Of course. I'm ready to go.

[vacantexpression]

[ The dedication is almost admirable. Squall knows there's no love for the enforcement of Garden's rules as adjudicated by the Disciplinary Committee, but to maintain public perception right to the possible end is probably the most Seifer Almasy thing he can think of. ]

Fujin and Raijin aren't taking the exam this year?

[ It stands to reason that if they are, the DC could be its own squad. Wise as it would split up the two gunbladers but unfortunate since Seifer is the only other cadet Squall feels remotely comfortable trusting. ]

[cross_swords]

Of course they aren't. Didn't I tell you? They have their own dreams. And it's not Garden.

[Fujin and Raijin were not meant for SeeD and they knew it. There was no shame in that. Some people figured that out earlier than others.]

[vacantexpression]

[ It's a little shocking to Squall that in light of all this, Seifer still wants to be a SeeD. With Fuijin and Raijin, they could easily clean up as mercenaries outside of the program's stranglehold. Of course that kind of competition might make some enemies but...Seifer has never had a problem with giving someone a reason to dislike him.

He chews on the thought with a considering hum. ] It's strange to think of you all going separate ways.

[ But that's just life, isn't it? It's why Squall's so damn determined to see that Seifer passes. He's not ready to entertain what the absence of him will do. The hole it will leave. This was exactly why he tried not to get close to anyone. ]

[cross_swords]

I mean, Raijin has been thinking of going to culinary school.

[So yeah, they probably weren't going to be mercenary competition for anyone.]

Like I said, we have different dreams.

[vacantexpression]

[ Squall's brows go up at that. Culinary school? How long had Seifer been contending with that possible split between his posse and what that would mean for him? No wonder the desire to cling to Garden is so prevalent. ]

Fujin too?

[ She's the most loyal of the two. He's never seen anyone get away with a snide or unkind remark about Seifer when she's around. ]

[cross_swords]

[A year. A whole year to consider the ways his friends would handle themselves when he became a SeeD. SeeDs often ended up all across the world for an extended period of time. They shouldn't wait for him at that point. And they could come back to Balamb after they started on the paths of their dreams to set it up.]

Yeah. Her family, she lost them in a car accident if you didn't know. They ran a dojo in Dollet. She wants to rebuild that legacy. Garden's helping her.

[Sure she's got a weapon too, but she has goals.]

[vacantexpression]

[ It doesn't make sense to Squall that Seifer can know these intimate things about Raijin and Fujin and still be willing to let them go. That they can be so close and yet all of them are willing to go their separate ways.

Why bother getting close to anyone at all? ] She'll make an excellent sensei.

[ He goes quiet as his mind runs through all the people who have come and gone from Seifer's life. Is that why he's so eager to make an impression on everyone he meets? To maximize the possibility of finding someone who wants to stay?

Squall shoves down the ache of not being enough to fill that hole and tells himself he doesn't want the position anyway. That they're water and oil and will never properly mix. ]

[cross_swords]

[Of course he's not WILLING to let them go. Don't be an idiot, Squall. He's just not the sort of person to hold them back from their dreams.]

She would

[He sounds so damn proud. These people were important to him. And since they weren't SeeD track, they had less GF use. And that meant they would remember him. They all agreed to meet up again anyway.]

[vacantexpression]

[ It's hard to imagine forging relationships with other people, let alone saying goodbye to them. Why bother living with that hole where they used to be? There's a person-sized ache in him that's taught him that. Even if he can't remember them, he knows they're gone. That they left him.

That Seifer will have two of his own soon makes him wonder how he can be so wistful about it. How he can sound so proud of Fujin even as she plans to leave him.

Will Seifer leave behind a hole in him too? Is it worth asking about his dream and risking what it means to know he won't be apart of it? Squall's grip on Revolver tightens as he goes quiet. ]

[cross_swords]

[Some people can ignore the hole. Some people are gnawed at by it so constantly that they are left with no choice but to feed it. So they don't start clawing at the world in hopes of tearing it apart to fill the gap.]

If I make SeeD, they'll be here in time for me to still have them.