The mention of Nida compounds the ache of wanting to say something with the knowledge that he shouldn't. The desire gets tamped down, buried under all the other unspoken things.
"Well it mattered to me," he replies quietly, averting his gaze and settling it on the fire. Neither of them seeming to find what they need when looking at the other. Somehow that hurts worse than Seifer's familiarity with another cadet.
He settles the squirming in his gut and breathes out slow. His objective is to get Seifer safely to Esthar, everything else can wait...Or stay buried.
"Fujin and Raijin aren't with you," he points out while maintaining his focus on the flickering flames. "A lesser person would have strung them along. I'm guessing you cut them free."
The pot has begun to boil and so Squall offers a hand to help with the coffee. So much of this is familiar after traveling so extensively during the war. They hadn't always had the comforts of Garden. "You haven't accepted the offer for amnesty," Squall continues. "Someone more advantageous would have leapt at that. But instead you're asking me if I'm sure."
Squall lifts his gaze and for a moment, he feels broken apart by sincerity. "Seifer, that you even feel like you have to ask tells me you're still in there."
Of course they aren't with him. Their lives would be at serious levels of risk. They had plenty of things they wanted to have with their futures. Before he'd left them he'd heard that Raijin had gotten into a cooking school in Dollet, where he was setting up with Fujin. So he did the right thing.
He left for their safety. And asked them not to follow this time.
"I'm not asking you if you're sure. I'm wondering if you're fucking sane," Seifer grumbles, but he doesn't protest hands helping with the coffee.
It's a lot better than trying to answer what Squall's asking. It's just... Hyne, he doesn't get it, does he? Or maybe neither of them do.
"Give me a good reason to accept this deal of yours."
It's obvious to Squall why Fujin and Raijin are nowhere to be seen, but it surprises him that Seifer refuses to acknowledge why that makes him a decent person. As if decency is just a foregone conclusion for everyone else but for him it's not enough. Squall hates that: all of the mile-long "not enough"s that Seifer has had to measure himself against.
The question earns a huff of laughter from. Not the scoff of suppressed delight, the moments of which are rare, but an actual breath of laughter as Squall shakes his head. "After everything we've seen?" It's hard to witness a cosmic horror like Ultimecia and not be a little unhinged.
His amusement dies quickly however, sobered by the more serious question. The coffee is run through a paper filter into one of the mugs and once it's full, he hands it to Seifer, eyes on the black void swimming in the cup. "I'm not ready for your story to be over."
He's quiet for another moment, then looking away, off to the side with a twist of his mouth down into a frown. Annoyed that he's made this about himself when the whole reason Seifer's had limited options his whole life is because of him. "Nida's also in Esthar," he adds to divert from his own flash of vulnerability. "For whatever that's worth."
Not ready for his story to be over? Really? It's so... weird to hear that. It drives a laugh out of him, low and more for his own sake as he takes the cup.
"Pretty sure that's the way stories are written. The villain's story ends, and the Prince and Princess go off and have a vaguely defined 'happily ever after'. Stop ruining your story for mine. After all, I'm supposed to be the self destructive one."
But there are other things that have to be said. Like 'what the fuck does Nida have to do with anything'? Other than Seifer's bad luck to end up in the guy's house. He sips his coffee, not minding that it burns his tongue a little. For a moment he misses the heat tolerance that Ifrit once gave him. And the oblivion from memories as well.
Instead he sips and looks up at Squall, considering.
"So that's why you're going here after this? Stepping out on the princess?"
It annoys him to no end that Seifer has continued to try and write himself off as the bad guy. Even before Ultimecia had come along. Squall's expression sours, pushing him to rise back up to his feet.
"Don't do that," he scowls with his arms folding over himself. Falling back into old patterns. "I'm here for you. Not as a convenient way to step out or to ruin my story but to make sure it continues in a way that's meaningful. To me. And it starts by pushing you to take the fucking pardon so I can push you to keep striving for more."
His arm finally sweeps out to gesture at their surroundings. "You're not meant for this. Hiding from the world because they're too cowardly to own up to their own part in all of this. You constantly try to paint yourself as the villain because everyone stood in your way of being a hero. They were wrong. You could have been the best of them but Garden decided profit was more important than promise. And they were wrong."
At some point, Squall had begun to shake, vibrating with all of the pent up fury he's been harboring since the result of the SeeD exam. He can't take these words back. This isn't Time Compression. He won't get to say these words over and over and tailor them for efficiency. He barges on anyway.
"I don't care that you don't want to make a big deal out of coming to our aid. It was. And it wasn't out of some cocky need to prove you could, it was because some part of you cared whether we got hurt. Whether we failed. You could have left me bleeding out in the Training Center before the exam. You could have Cured yourself before the scar set. You could have left me alone to figure out how to survive in Garden or use a gunblade. You have been there for me, pushing me, growing me, helping me and I don't care what you want to call it: rivalry, competition, boredom, whatever, but it meant something to me which made the thought of you being executed the first time around worse than however many lifetimes I spent in Time Compression. I won't let you put yourself in that position again and if I have to drag your ass across Horizon Bridge to protect you, then I will."
The declaration doesn't come with Squall's eyes on the wall or the ground, they are fixed on Seifer, daring him to try and throw his life away again so Squall can pick it up and put it somewhere safe just to prove it belongs there.
Edited (oop wanted to update his rant a bit) 2024-11-15 06:55 (UTC)
Seifer would credit his actions over the years to something very different from any of what Squall was suggesting. And, of course, he also would have risen up to argue back. To push back.
He's too tired. He's too broken.
"So you're here because I didn't learn how not to harass you?" Seifer asked. Because he has to twist this in some way to get the guy to just let it go. So that Seifer won't taint his life further just by being present.
Seifer had asked if he was crazy and for the first time Squall feels like he might be. The dismissal of literal years of emotions is like being alone again in a sea of nothingness and Squall stands there numb for a long moment before swallowing the lump in his throat. There's no comfort to rubbing at his scar but he does it out of habit, catches himself, and then shoves his hands into the pockets of the jacket he's wearing.
He's not here to convince Seifer of his feelings. He's here to make sure the man's neck doesn't wind up meeting the executioner's axe. Squall straightens, jaw working around words that won't have and have never held any weight, once they're pushed down, he says instead, "It's not an easy trek across the bridge and through the Great Salt Lake. You should eat, pack whatever you want to bring, and then we'll head out."
He gives a stiff nod before bending to collect the pot of coffee and his mug, taking it to the table so he can prepare it away from Seifer to better hide the tremor in his hands.
And there it is. The moment that Squall walks away. But it's strange. It's different. It's not just frustration that drives him away this time. How is it, that while Seifer was away, Squall learned to be the one to deliver declarations and Seifer feels like he's the one that is supposed to jump for a change?
Must be the title treating Squall well or something. Some sort of experience in expecting to be obeyed. Thing was, Seifer had always been bad at orders.
He takes the foiled package of chili rations and puts it into the pot of boiling water in front of him to let it start heating. Then he pushes to his feet, crosses to Squall, and does the only thing he knows how to do in these situations.
Seifer strides purposefully right up to Squall, grabs him by the shoulder, and tries to twist him around so they are facing each other again.
"What if I don't want saved, Squall? What if I'm not waiting for some knight in shining armor to save me? What if I'm the monster you're supposed to vanquish?"
Grand declarations, speeches, giving orders with the expectation of follow through, this has been his life since the war. Shoving down his own needs, pushing past trauma or triggers, these are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of the way he's impacted their reality.
He doesn't even flinch when he's grabbed and Hyne what does that say about their experiences that he feels the most at home in the world when they're like this. When they fall into old patterns.
His hand twitches into a fist, but it stays at his side despite wanting to hit Seifer just to rattle him of the notion that Squall is any kind of knight. He's clearly failed as Rinoa's. "This isn't a bed time story," he retorts with a roll of his shoulder to try and dislodge the hand on it. "If you wannna pretend to be a monster, then run me through and prove it." The phantom ache of ice in his shoulder only makes the tremble in his unclenched fist worsen so he balls that up too and straightens against Seifer's stare.
What an infuriating thing for Squall to say. Because he doesn't get it. Has
never gotten it. Save for one accident and the things he had done under
Ultimecia's will, he had never once caused Squall lasting harm. And he had
never set out with the intent to do so either.
Of course he can't do that now.
"Given I don't have more than a blunt boot knife, I don't think I could,"
he says instead of pressing the matter. And he backs away. Space. There
should be space between them. Space and time. An uncrossable gulf of it.
"Drink your coffee. I'm going to eat. I'm not rushing off anywhere though.
Like I said, I don't buy that going to Esthar is anything but a death
sentence. And if I'm going to be put to the headsman's blade it's going to
be yours on behalf of Balamb and Trabia if I can help it. I don't think
even the 'Lion of Balamb' could manage to somehow talk a major world
government washing all this blood off my hands."
It's the opposite, really. It's Squall forcing Seifer to acknowledge that he won't hurt him, that he isn't a monster that he's chasing. He already knows Seifer won't hurt him without a sorceress pulling the strings. That isn't how their arrangement works. "I didn't think so."
But he lets it go. Seifer will just find a way to say something newly vicious to try and distract from being perceived. Funny coming from a guy who always sought out the spotlight. Squall's desire to shake him of that habit doesn't abate. In fact it only grows in accordance with the space between them.
Hyne, he's never felt so miserable being in the present. Time sickness making him queasy on the heels of all the things that he's aired out and had ignored between them. The coffee is looked upon with disinterest but he forces himself to go through the motions of pouring it.
"You're not going to be the star of any executions, Seifer." The fervor in him has retreated but Squall is still firm on this. "Esthar's president will make good on his word whether you believe it's possible or not." He sips on his coffee and it's just unremarkable enough to be comforting.
The conversation however is becoming circular in a way that scratches at his mind, time sickness something he has to close his eyes against. "But we shouldn't stay long. Few days max."
We? Seifer raises an eyebrow at that. Who the fuck invited Squall?
"If you're going to stay here, shouldn't you ask the owner? I mean, I didn't get permission expressly, but I am trying to restore the place a little. Figure that counts for rent. What about you? Can you haul your weight here?"
As if Squall is going to let Seifer out of his sight now that he's finally found him. There is a challenge in the brow that arches in turn when he opens his eyes again to meet the dubious look.
Back to an icy neutrality, he scoffs and casts his gaze across the abandoned cabin. It reminds him so much of Ellone's home in Winhill...Less bullets but the same feeling of emptiness. "We're ruling out provisions, I see."
There are things he can lend a hand with, even though this is far and away from the reason that he's here. "What's next on your list?"
That old place in Winhill was probably in better shape than this place. But Seifer sighs and returns to the pot to pull his packet of heated rations out.
"If you count MREs as provisions I'm going to start considering not making SeeD a blessing."
He rips the bag open and pours it into the bowl he's got and then looks around.
"Was splitting logs to try and patch a hole in the roof over the smaller bedroom I was going to convert into storage. You any good at planing wood? Got some tools for it I did my best to restore in their old shed."
There's a small comfort that Squall tries not to feel at the thought of Seifer getting to eat a hot meal. Sure, it's an MRE, but if they're staying a few days, he can go into town to collect any additional provisions...Irrational fear wars with the thought though. He really doesn't want to let Seifer out of his sight. After the way they clashed, after Seifer's insistence that he's still some monster in need of slaying, Squall's never seen a bigger flight risk...not because he thinks Seifer's afraid of what awaits them in Esthar but because of whatever noble inclinations he's still holding onto.
"Revolver is buried not too far from here. If any of the tools you found need additional sharpening or oiling, we can use what's in my kit." It hadn't seemed wise to bring a weapon or his own supplies. Not when he couldn't be sure how his arrival would be received. The coffee in his hands isn't as warm as the fire had been sitting beside it, but the place is heating up slowly but surely.
His gaze absorbs the interior then sweeps down to the table, seeing where Seifer might have had a hand in its restoration and running his touch along the grain. "I've never built anything beyond rudimentary shelter. The basics," he clarifies of their lessons. "I'm sure I'll figure it out."
"You're an idiot if it's taken this long," he says blandly. If being here isn't enough to convince Seifer that he cares, if the unspooling of Squall's emotions and the abandonment of his position weren't enough, if it's taken being unarmed to prove this point... Maybe he really should have spared them both and just kept quiet about everything else.
"No," Seifer sighs, shaking his head. It's not just as simple as what Squall's assuming Seifer has concluded. It's something else, something deeper.
"Over the years, you've put up with me because of familiarity. Until what I did in Timber, we were the only constants in each other's lives. Since I first showed up at the orphanage, we've always been around each other."
Which is a damn long time. The only two that never left the other. The only ones who were actually there. And look, Seifer does remember the orphanage some. Who knows how much.
"Figured you were confused and lost. Like you were when Ellone was taken away. That you're just looking for touchstones of familiarity when all this shit happened. But that's not it. You're actually here, doing this, because of me. Not for memories or history or stagnation or some shit. But me."
It hurts to think that Seifer might have simply refused to let himself realize the depths of Squall's attachment because the thought was unfathomable or something he didn't feel worthy of. Squall's brows pinch at that, furrowing into a frown that mirrors across the line his mouth has pursed into.
"Yes, Seifer. You." The words feel like air as they leave him. Like a gasp after being held underwater. Because he gets it now. Of course Seifer wouldn't let himself see the inherent value Squall has placed on him. Not when he still considers himself a villain. Not when he's always felt that way with how Garden had treated him.
It pushes Squall up and away from the table, his approach slow as Seifer comes to the realization Squall had thought he'd made clear. "I'm not here because of what we were or even what I hoped we might have been before everything went to hell. I came here for you. Just you, Seifer. And it kills me, like ice in my chest, each time you look past that. Every time you try to call yourself unworthy of being saved. I know you didn't expect me to come. I know you didn't expect me to care. But I do. And I'm here. And I'm..."
He suddenly isn't sure what to do. This moment feels so important. It feels like the first thing to break him from the monotony of his life since being pulled from Time Compression. Squall stares at Seifer and sees all the ways life has been hard on him. The way life has always been hard on him. His hands twitch into fists again, his body shoring itself up against its desire to flee. When he unclenches his fingers, they settle on Seifer's shoulders, the touch slow but deliberate. Their first touch after what feels like lifetimes. Squall hasn't realized the way he's been starving for it.
"I'm sorry I never let you feel like that was possible." He's sorry for so much, for his hand in everything that Seifer has gone through, but sharing the truth of that feels like it will shatter the delicate ground they're standing on and all Squall wants to do is add foundations on top of it. He's older now and braver than he had been since the SeeD exam when he should have tracked Seifer down and said all of this after the ball. Things might have been different if he had. "You were never just something to put up with. I've been chasing you all this time to prove that."
His touch fans up the back of Seifer's neck and it sends a rush through him that breaks through the haze of existing, pumping life back into his veins. It's a sensation that has only ever existed with Seifer. Cultivated through years of longing. Of trying to measure up to Seifer's ideals and strengths and the valor he was constantly trying to hide behind an arrogant smirk. Squall's fingers feel the too-long length of Seifer's hair as he cups the back of his head so he can finally, finally bring their foreheads down to touch where their scars meet. And when he finally breathes, it is ragged and relieved, and he aches for some sign that Seifer feels the same.
Seifer stays silent as the other man speaks. Though he's... definitely overwhelmed by the implication of the words. Especially the 'what we might have been'. Because what the fuck does Squall mean by that?
There's an intimacy in the touch. More than ever before. More than he's ever dared to hope for. More than he's ever dared himself to do. He's pulled in close and their foreheads touch and it's not enough. It's never been enough. It will never be enough.
But maybe, just maybe...
He runs one risk that he should never allow. The one that could change Squall's mind. Make him finally see all the ways he shouldn't let Seifer be around. Sure, he was always the risk taker, but never this one. He would never allow himself this one.
Fuck it, though. Hyne he just didn't care anymore. Let the cards fall where they may. So he pulls back from forehead touches because he needs the space to tilt his head to the side. To lean in. To press their lips together.
If the war hadn't happened, if Squall had never been sent to Timber on the mission that would forever trap them in this loop of inevitability, what could they have been? The question used to scratch at his mind. Would he have been brave enough to resign from SeeD after seeing firsthand how right Seifer had been about its preferences for candidates and the petty degree to which it enforced its contracts? Would Seifer being forced to leave Garden after not graduating after the exam been the push needed for Squall to say everything he's finally said now? How many avenues of potential had he cut off by damning them in his journey through time?
The ache of that possibility lives in him now and the chasm it's created only grows wider for that split second when Seifer shifts back and Squall's desperate hands twitch with the urge to anchor him in. To not let Seifer brush this off. But that's not what's happening. Instead, Squall experiences a ripple in time as their lips feather against each other before sealing in a kiss. For moment, they're five and six again, standing on a beach, kissing in a chaste way that comes from trying to soothe hurt and affirm loyalties. Then, as Squall's hands lift to draw Seifer in, they're teenagers, kissing like it's just another way for them to fight.
And now, the reality falls in line with all the apparitions of the past and Squall is kissing Seifer because it's him. Because it was always meant to be him. If this had been a last ditch attempt to put him off, to make him rethink his presence, all it does is affirm it in a way Squall never thought he'd be brave enough to tempt. But now that it's here, now that he's pressing himself bodily up against Seifer and feeling the changes in their bodies, the heat of their joined mouths, Squall can't imagine a world where this stops. He pours himself into the kiss like it's magic. Like he can push the spell of his affection into Seifer's body, a physical draw point of need and desire.
To be honest, Seifer expected to be, at the very least, let down gently. Hyne, it could still come if he was being honest with himself. But at the moment here was Squall, meeting him heat for heat. Desire for desire, want for want, heat for heat.
For him the kiss isn't magic. It's like those moments of getting something he had finally been striving for. Like when he finished paying for Hyperion and the case was handed over. When he reached Balamb Garden for the first time and Cid had put a hand on their shoulders and said they would always have a home. The first time he hit a proper limit. The first time after so long when Squall seemed to look at him without hate.
This moment is like those. Ones to be cherished, to hope they last.
If he were a Hyne fearing man, and who was these days, he might pray that this one would actually manage it. But he isn't for tempting fate anymore. Which is why, after a few seconds, he pulls back from the kiss. Just gives space between them, to look at Squall. To question with eyes alone.
To beg for this to not be another nightmare about to take a turn.
The quiet jealousy that made him so prickly whenever Seifer would end their sparring to go out on the town with Fujin and Raijin or take off during their breaks to travel with Squall staying behind at Garden, is nothing compared to the envy he feels at the space that suddenly exists between them. The vacuum that opens up after makes Squall feel dizzy as he sucks in a bracing breath through his nose to better ground himself.
But there is years of desire to fight against and it's a battle he happily loses to as his hands curve around the back of Seifer's neck to anchor him back in, butting their foreheads up in silent affirmation. He's not running from this. He's not going to let Seifer run from it either. "I've wanted you to do that for..."
It feels ridiculous now. To have never been brave enough to try himself. To have relied on Seifer for everything, even this. He's spent years forcing down the idea, trying to convince himself it was a bad one, only to be face to face with it and realize he was never going to know peace until trying. So Squall doesn't tell Seifer how long. Instead he tilts his head to press a softer, chaster kiss to his mouth. Something gentle. The tenderness of it making him ache because he can't imagine how long it's been since Seifer has known the like.
Oh, the kiss is nice, it's sweet, it's something he's longed for. That doesn't stop Seifer from pulling back from it and looking Squall in the eyes. Staring in them. Watching them closely as his hand comes up to cup Squall's cheek.
"No. You finish that sentence, Leonhart. You let me know how long you've been reciprocating and frustrated over it. Because I've wanted you since I was fourteen and didn't know what to do with all of that. And I want to know just how annoyed I need to be with you."
Hyne. Since they were fourteen. Could they have disrupted fate if Squall had been a little bit braver? A little less bristly? His breath comes in sharp, a pained sound smothered in his chest, as shame burns through him under Seifer's gaze and the tenderness of the hand cradling his face.
"Very," he confirms. Squall knows annoyance is the bare minimum of what Seifer should hold against him for their unspoken mutual attraction. There's a myriad of secrets yet to be shared, but he owes it to them to muscle through the embarrassment of sharing.
"Longer. I think. The memory is...Fuzzy. We were getting fitted for a new year of uniforms and you'd come out, a big smile on your face," his words trail off a moment as Squall searches Seifer's face for the kid he'd been at the time. Both of them young. Gangly teenagers. Squall's expression pinches with the memory. "You caught me staring." He's certain Seifer knows how that turned out. How he'd flushed and rolled his eyes, blowing off anything that might have given him away. He's tempted to do the same now, but pushes the reaction down with a deep, bracing breath.
His expression is briefly hidden in the warmth of Seifer's palm, turning his face into it before exhaling and straightening himself to meet his eyes. "I loved that look on you. Like you could take on the world. You came back from town with the same look when you got your coat. Fujin and Raijin strutting beside you like they believed you could."
The vulnerability is its own gnawing ache as Squall remembers the accompanying emotions that had come with those moments. The jealousy and inferiority, how he'd always wanted more but felt like he couldn't compete against the everything Seifer was always chasing.
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no subject
"Well it mattered to me," he replies quietly, averting his gaze and settling it on the fire. Neither of them seeming to find what they need when looking at the other. Somehow that hurts worse than Seifer's familiarity with another cadet.
He settles the squirming in his gut and breathes out slow. His objective is to get Seifer safely to Esthar, everything else can wait...Or stay buried.
"Fujin and Raijin aren't with you," he points out while maintaining his focus on the flickering flames. "A lesser person would have strung them along. I'm guessing you cut them free."
The pot has begun to boil and so Squall offers a hand to help with the coffee. So much of this is familiar after traveling so extensively during the war. They hadn't always had the comforts of Garden. "You haven't accepted the offer for amnesty," Squall continues. "Someone more advantageous would have leapt at that. But instead you're asking me if I'm sure."
Squall lifts his gaze and for a moment, he feels broken apart by sincerity. "Seifer, that you even feel like you have to ask tells me you're still in there."
no subject
He left for their safety. And asked them not to follow this time.
"I'm not asking you if you're sure. I'm wondering if you're fucking sane," Seifer grumbles, but he doesn't protest hands helping with the coffee.
It's a lot better than trying to answer what Squall's asking. It's just... Hyne, he doesn't get it, does he? Or maybe neither of them do.
"Give me a good reason to accept this deal of yours."
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The question earns a huff of laughter from. Not the scoff of suppressed delight, the moments of which are rare, but an actual breath of laughter as Squall shakes his head. "After everything we've seen?" It's hard to witness a cosmic horror like Ultimecia and not be a little unhinged.
His amusement dies quickly however, sobered by the more serious question. The coffee is run through a paper filter into one of the mugs and once it's full, he hands it to Seifer, eyes on the black void swimming in the cup. "I'm not ready for your story to be over."
He's quiet for another moment, then looking away, off to the side with a twist of his mouth down into a frown. Annoyed that he's made this about himself when the whole reason Seifer's had limited options his whole life is because of him. "Nida's also in Esthar," he adds to divert from his own flash of vulnerability. "For whatever that's worth."
no subject
"Pretty sure that's the way stories are written. The villain's story ends, and the Prince and Princess go off and have a vaguely defined 'happily ever after'. Stop ruining your story for mine. After all, I'm supposed to be the self destructive one."
But there are other things that have to be said. Like 'what the fuck does Nida have to do with anything'? Other than Seifer's bad luck to end up in the guy's house. He sips his coffee, not minding that it burns his tongue a little. For a moment he misses the heat tolerance that Ifrit once gave him. And the oblivion from memories as well.
Instead he sips and looks up at Squall, considering.
"So that's why you're going here after this? Stepping out on the princess?"
no subject
"Don't do that," he scowls with his arms folding over himself. Falling back into old patterns. "I'm here for you. Not as a convenient way to step out or to ruin my story but to make sure it continues in a way that's meaningful. To me. And it starts by pushing you to take the fucking pardon so I can push you to keep striving for more."
His arm finally sweeps out to gesture at their surroundings. "You're not meant for this. Hiding from the world because they're too cowardly to own up to their own part in all of this. You constantly try to paint yourself as the villain because everyone stood in your way of being a hero. They were wrong. You could have been the best of them but Garden decided profit was more important than promise. And they were wrong."
At some point, Squall had begun to shake, vibrating with all of the pent up fury he's been harboring since the result of the SeeD exam. He can't take these words back. This isn't Time Compression. He won't get to say these words over and over and tailor them for efficiency. He barges on anyway.
"I don't care that you don't want to make a big deal out of coming to our aid. It was. And it wasn't out of some cocky need to prove you could, it was because some part of you cared whether we got hurt. Whether we failed. You could have left me bleeding out in the Training Center before the exam. You could have Cured yourself before the scar set. You could have left me alone to figure out how to survive in Garden or use a gunblade. You have been there for me, pushing me, growing me, helping me and I don't care what you want to call it: rivalry, competition, boredom, whatever, but it meant something to me which made the thought of you being executed the first time around worse than however many lifetimes I spent in Time Compression. I won't let you put yourself in that position again and if I have to drag your ass across Horizon Bridge to protect you, then I will."
The declaration doesn't come with Squall's eyes on the wall or the ground, they are fixed on Seifer, daring him to try and throw his life away again so Squall can pick it up and put it somewhere safe just to prove it belongs there.
no subject
He's too tired. He's too broken.
"So you're here because I didn't learn how not to harass you?" Seifer asked. Because he has to twist this in some way to get the guy to just let it go. So that Seifer won't taint his life further just by being present.
no subject
He's not here to convince Seifer of his feelings. He's here to make sure the man's neck doesn't wind up meeting the executioner's axe. Squall straightens, jaw working around words that won't have and have never held any weight, once they're pushed down, he says instead, "It's not an easy trek across the bridge and through the Great Salt Lake. You should eat, pack whatever you want to bring, and then we'll head out."
He gives a stiff nod before bending to collect the pot of coffee and his mug, taking it to the table so he can prepare it away from Seifer to better hide the tremor in his hands.
no subject
Must be the title treating Squall well or something. Some sort of experience in expecting to be obeyed. Thing was, Seifer had always been bad at orders.
He takes the foiled package of chili rations and puts it into the pot of boiling water in front of him to let it start heating. Then he pushes to his feet, crosses to Squall, and does the only thing he knows how to do in these situations.
Seifer strides purposefully right up to Squall, grabs him by the shoulder, and tries to twist him around so they are facing each other again.
"What if I don't want saved, Squall? What if I'm not waiting for some knight in shining armor to save me? What if I'm the monster you're supposed to vanquish?"
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He doesn't even flinch when he's grabbed and Hyne what does that say about their experiences that he feels the most at home in the world when they're like this. When they fall into old patterns.
His hand twitches into a fist, but it stays at his side despite wanting to hit Seifer just to rattle him of the notion that Squall is any kind of knight. He's clearly
failed as Rinoa's. "This isn't a bed time story," he retorts with a roll of his shoulder to try and dislodge the hand on it. "If you wannna pretend to be a monster, then run me through and prove it." The phantom ache of ice in his shoulder only makes the tremble in his unclenched fist worsen so he balls that up too and straightens against Seifer's stare.
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What an infuriating thing for Squall to say. Because he doesn't get it. Has never gotten it. Save for one accident and the things he had done under Ultimecia's will, he had never once caused Squall lasting harm. And he had never set out with the intent to do so either.
Of course he can't do that now.
"Given I don't have more than a blunt boot knife, I don't think I could," he says instead of pressing the matter. And he backs away. Space. There should be space between them. Space and time. An uncrossable gulf of it.
"Drink your coffee. I'm going to eat. I'm not rushing off anywhere though. Like I said, I don't buy that going to Esthar is anything but a death sentence. And if I'm going to be put to the headsman's blade it's going to be yours on behalf of Balamb and Trabia if I can help it. I don't think even the 'Lion of Balamb' could manage to somehow talk a major world government washing all this blood off my hands."
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But he lets it go. Seifer will just find a way to say something newly vicious to try and distract from being perceived. Funny coming from a guy who always sought out the spotlight. Squall's desire to shake him of that habit doesn't abate. In fact it only grows in accordance with the space between them.
Hyne, he's never felt so miserable being in the present. Time sickness making him queasy on the heels of all the things that he's aired out and had ignored between them. The coffee is looked upon with disinterest but he forces himself to go through the motions of pouring it.
"You're not going to be the star of any executions, Seifer." The fervor in him has retreated but Squall is still firm on this. "Esthar's president will make good on his word whether you believe it's possible or not." He sips on his coffee and it's just unremarkable enough to be comforting.
The conversation however is becoming circular in a way that scratches at his mind, time sickness something he has to close his eyes against. "But we shouldn't stay long. Few days max."
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"If you're going to stay here, shouldn't you ask the owner? I mean, I didn't get permission expressly, but I am trying to restore the place a little. Figure that counts for rent. What about you? Can you haul your weight here?"
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Back to an icy neutrality, he scoffs and casts his gaze across the abandoned cabin. It reminds him so much of Ellone's home in Winhill...Less bullets but the same feeling of emptiness. "We're ruling out provisions, I see."
There are things he can lend a hand with, even though this is far and away from the reason that he's here. "What's next on your list?"
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"If you count MREs as provisions I'm going to start considering not making SeeD a blessing."
He rips the bag open and pours it into the bowl he's got and then looks around.
"Was splitting logs to try and patch a hole in the roof over the smaller bedroom I was going to convert into storage. You any good at planing wood? Got some tools for it I did my best to restore in their old shed."
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"Revolver is buried not too far from here. If any of the tools you found need additional sharpening or oiling, we can use what's in my kit." It hadn't seemed wise to bring a weapon or his own supplies. Not when he couldn't be sure how his arrival would be received. The coffee in his hands isn't as warm as the fire had been sitting beside it, but the place is heating up slowly but surely.
His gaze absorbs the interior then sweeps down to the table, seeing where Seifer might have had a hand in its restoration and running his touch along the grain. "I've never built anything beyond rudimentary shelter. The basics," he clarifies of their lessons. "I'm sure I'll figure it out."
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"You buried your old blade and your kit?" Seifer asked, shocked and confused. Why would he do that? For him? To make him feel safe?
"Fuck, Squally, I'm almost starting to think you care."
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"Over the years, you've put up with me because of familiarity. Until what I did in Timber, we were the only constants in each other's lives. Since I first showed up at the orphanage, we've always been around each other."
Which is a damn long time. The only two that never left the other. The only ones who were actually there. And look, Seifer does remember the orphanage some. Who knows how much.
"Figured you were confused and lost. Like you were when Ellone was taken away. That you're just looking for touchstones of familiarity when all this shit happened. But that's not it. You're actually here, doing this, because of me. Not for memories or history or stagnation or some shit. But me."
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"Yes, Seifer. You." The words feel like air as they leave him. Like a gasp after being held underwater. Because he gets it now. Of course Seifer wouldn't let himself see the inherent value Squall has placed on him. Not when he still considers himself a villain. Not when he's always felt that way with how Garden had treated him.
It pushes Squall up and away from the table, his approach slow as Seifer comes to the realization Squall had thought he'd made clear. "I'm not here because of what we were or even what I hoped we might have been before everything went to hell. I came here for you. Just you, Seifer. And it kills me, like ice in my chest, each time you look past that. Every time you try to call yourself unworthy of being saved. I know you didn't expect me to come. I know you didn't expect me to care. But I do. And I'm here. And I'm..."
He suddenly isn't sure what to do. This moment feels so important. It feels like the first thing to break him from the monotony of his life since being pulled from Time Compression. Squall stares at Seifer and sees all the ways life has been hard on him. The way life has always been hard on him. His hands twitch into fists again, his body shoring itself up against its desire to flee. When he unclenches his fingers, they settle on Seifer's shoulders, the touch slow but deliberate. Their first touch after what feels like lifetimes. Squall hasn't realized the way he's been starving for it.
"I'm sorry I never let you feel like that was possible." He's sorry for so much, for his hand in everything that Seifer has gone through, but sharing the truth of that feels like it will shatter the delicate ground they're standing on and all Squall wants to do is add foundations on top of it. He's older now and braver than he had been since the SeeD exam when he should have tracked Seifer down and said all of this after the ball. Things might have been different if he had. "You were never just something to put up with. I've been chasing you all this time to prove that."
His touch fans up the back of Seifer's neck and it sends a rush through him that breaks through the haze of existing, pumping life back into his veins. It's a sensation that has only ever existed with Seifer. Cultivated through years of longing. Of trying to measure up to Seifer's ideals and strengths and the valor he was constantly trying to hide behind an arrogant smirk. Squall's fingers feel the too-long length of Seifer's hair as he cups the back of his head so he can finally, finally bring their foreheads down to touch where their scars meet. And when he finally breathes, it is ragged and relieved, and he aches for some sign that Seifer feels the same.
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There's an intimacy in the touch. More than ever before. More than he's ever dared to hope for. More than he's ever dared himself to do. He's pulled in close and their foreheads touch and it's not enough. It's never been enough. It will never be enough.
But maybe, just maybe...
He runs one risk that he should never allow. The one that could change Squall's mind. Make him finally see all the ways he shouldn't let Seifer be around. Sure, he was always the risk taker, but never this one. He would never allow himself this one.
Fuck it, though. Hyne he just didn't care anymore. Let the cards fall where they may. So he pulls back from forehead touches because he needs the space to tilt his head to the side. To lean in. To press their lips together.
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The ache of that possibility lives in him now and the chasm it's created only grows wider for that split second when Seifer shifts back and Squall's desperate hands twitch with the urge to anchor him in. To not let Seifer brush this off. But that's not what's happening. Instead, Squall experiences a ripple in time as their lips feather against each other before sealing in a kiss. For moment, they're five and six again, standing on a beach, kissing in a chaste way that comes from trying to soothe hurt and affirm loyalties. Then, as Squall's hands lift to draw Seifer in, they're teenagers, kissing like it's just another way for them to fight.
And now, the reality falls in line with all the apparitions of the past and Squall is kissing Seifer because it's him. Because it was always meant to be him. If this had been a last ditch attempt to put him off, to make him rethink his presence, all it does is affirm it in a way Squall never thought he'd be brave enough to tempt. But now that it's here, now that he's pressing himself bodily up against Seifer and feeling the changes in their bodies, the heat of their joined mouths, Squall can't imagine a world where this stops. He pours himself into the kiss like it's magic. Like he can push the spell of his affection into Seifer's body, a physical draw point of need and desire.
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For him the kiss isn't magic. It's like those moments of getting something he had finally been striving for. Like when he finished paying for Hyperion and the case was handed over. When he reached Balamb Garden for the first time and Cid had put a hand on their shoulders and said they would always have a home. The first time he hit a proper limit. The first time after so long when Squall seemed to look at him without hate.
This moment is like those. Ones to be cherished, to hope they last.
If he were a Hyne fearing man, and who was these days, he might pray that this one would actually manage it. But he isn't for tempting fate anymore. Which is why, after a few seconds, he pulls back from the kiss. Just gives space between them, to look at Squall. To question with eyes alone.
To beg for this to not be another nightmare about to take a turn.
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But there is years of desire to fight against and it's a battle he happily loses to as his hands curve around the back of Seifer's neck to anchor him back in, butting their foreheads up in silent affirmation. He's not running from this. He's not going to let Seifer run from it either. "I've wanted you to do that for..."
It feels ridiculous now. To have never been brave enough to try himself. To have relied on Seifer for everything, even this. He's spent years forcing down the idea, trying to convince himself it was a bad one, only to be face to face with it and realize he was never going to know peace until trying. So Squall doesn't tell Seifer how long. Instead he tilts his head to press a softer, chaster kiss to his mouth. Something gentle. The tenderness of it making him ache because he can't imagine how long it's been since Seifer has known the like.
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"No. You finish that sentence, Leonhart. You let me know how long you've been reciprocating and frustrated over it. Because I've wanted you since I was fourteen and didn't know what to do with all of that. And I want to know just how annoyed I need to be with you."
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"Very," he confirms. Squall knows annoyance is the bare minimum of what Seifer should hold against him for their unspoken mutual attraction. There's a myriad of secrets yet to be shared, but he owes it to them to muscle through the embarrassment of sharing.
"Longer. I think. The memory is...Fuzzy. We were getting fitted for a new year of uniforms and you'd come out, a big smile on your face," his words trail off a moment as Squall searches Seifer's face for the kid he'd been at the time. Both of them young. Gangly teenagers. Squall's expression pinches with the memory. "You caught me staring." He's certain Seifer knows how that turned out. How he'd flushed and rolled his eyes, blowing off anything that might have given him away. He's tempted to do the same now, but pushes the reaction down with a deep, bracing breath.
His expression is briefly hidden in the warmth of Seifer's palm, turning his face into it before exhaling and straightening himself to meet his eyes. "I loved that look on you. Like you could take on the world. You came back from town with the same look when you got your coat. Fujin and Raijin strutting beside you like they believed you could."
The vulnerability is its own gnawing ache as Squall remembers the accompanying emotions that had come with those moments. The jealousy and inferiority, how he'd always wanted more but felt like he couldn't compete against the everything Seifer was always chasing.
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